Cry
by Silmaril Eyes
Summary: A story that switches between Matt and Tai's POV...when Matt finally snaps from all the pressure he's been under for the past 2 years, Tai's there for him. Set a year before the Digital World opens up again. Taito, angst.
1. Matt

Tai said.

*Oh, for god's sake, please, stop it...*  
  
My soul is a wall. Most of the time it's strong, and stands tall, made of iron, an iron that could still be standing a thousand years from it's date of origin.  
  
But now...it was melting like salt in the wind.  
  
"Damn you, Masaharu!! Don't you dare give me that line! What--I know he's your son, too, but I've got--I'VE GOT VISITATION RIGHTS OVER THE SUMMER!! ...You can reschedule...oh, yes you can."  
  
*Stop it, Mom, please...stop it...stop yelling, it won't change things...stopitstopitstopit...*  
  
Mom kept yelling down the phone to my father. My father kept throwing things back at her, making her more and more hysterical. And I just stood totally still, clenching my fists, my breathing coming in short, erratic gasps.  
  
I hate it when she yells...especially when she yells at my father...and the reason they're yelling is me. I hate it. It makes me feel like crap. And it scares me. Yes, damn it all, it scares me!! I'm not as strong as I look! Thirteen years old and I'm still scared out of my mind when my parents scream like this. How pathetic am I.  
  
It reminds me of ages ago, when they first filed for divorce...the yelling, the insults...things being thrown, Mom running out in tears, Dad slamming the door. I rememered TK and I sitting on my bed during those long days, clinging to each other, eyes wide and frightened.  
  
Years later, I'm still sitting here with those same frightened eyes.  
  
"Matt..." Tai whispered. He and I had been hanging out, playing my PSX, when the phone rang. I had my back to him, so I had no idea whether he was smirking at me or embarassed to be in the same room or what.  
  
"Tai...why...do they do this?" I whispered, choking on the words. "Dad knows I'm with Mom this summer. Why can't he just reschedule whatever he wanted to do?"  
  
"I don't know...my parents...well. You know. They're not separated..."  
  
I rested my palm against the door, trying to steady my breathing and not cry. I was with my mother for this part of the summer. When the divorce was first given the go-ahead and stuff, it was agreed that I would spend the first half of the summer break with mom and TK, and TK would spend the next half with dad and I. It was the first week of my staying with Dad now. TK was out somewhere with Davis, Kari and Yolei...thank god he wasn't hearing this now.  
  
"And Mom...she should just hang up...she knows Dad's just being a total prick...just...being--"  
  
Another shout cut me off. "Do you want me to gain complete custody of both of them? Is that what you want? Because I'll do it...I will. Yes I--don't you put it past me, Masaharu."  
  
I was trembling now, my eyes wide and terrified.  
  
"Matt..c'mon, it's okay...you know she doesn't mean it. They're just blowing off steam. My parents say terrible things...Matt?"  
  
I walked over to my window in a daze, my eyes totally glassy and my body disconnecting from its senses.  
  
*No...don't cry now, Ishida...you have to be strong...Tai's probably feeling totally akward now, and he'll need you...*  
  
"Matt? Are you okay?" Tai ran towards me, peering at my face. He must have finally seen how I felt, because his face seemed to fall and he put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, man..."  
  
"I'm okay, Tai...honestly...I'm..."  
  
And it was then that I began to cry. Huge, shameful sobs bursting out of me, making me angry that I was so weak and couldn't control myself. But once I started, it was impossible to stop, and it felt so good...to...just for a moment...let it out...three year's worth of tears. Damn it all! Tai can't see me crying...damn it...  
  
Tai silently embraced me, pulling my body close to his and wrapping his arms around me protectively, stroking my hair and kissing my ear. I pressed my face into his neck and wept hysterically, hoping that Mom couldn't hear my crying.  
  
"I'm sorry, I j--" I started to explain, but Tai shhhed in my ear.  
  
"Quiet," he ordered. "It's okay. Matt, you don't have to explain to me."  
  
"Why me..." I murmured through my tears. "What...why? Why does this have to happen to me? What's wrong with my parents? It's just..."  
  
Tai looked at me, pulling back. "There's something else bothering you, isn't there?"  
  
I felt like a complete child then. I pulled away and avoided his eyes. "No."  
  
He took my chin in his hand and gently turned my face back to his. "Matt--what's up?"  
  
I closed my eyes, fresh tears streaming down my face. "I miss Gabumon!" I cried, subsiding to wild sobs once again. "I want to go back there! I can't take this anymore! I don't want to BE here! I just can't TAKE IT!!"  
  
The last two words were a wild scream, and I didn't care if Mom heard it. I just didn't care...I was tired, scared, hurt, homesick for the Digiworld and I missed Gabumon so much.  
  
And there was nothing I could do about it except do the one thing I hated so much -- cry.


	2. Tai

My best friend sunk helpless into my arms and cried,

My best friend sunk helpless into my arms and cried, and I stood there, numb, hurting, cursing myself for my stupidity. Stupidity? Yes, damned stupidity! He was hurting so badly...and me, being my thick self, didn't notice. Didn't even twig on to the fact until he broke down like a child in front of me.  
  
I held him close to me. There was nothing else I could do. I just held him while he cried so hard that his entire body was shaking. Finally, he slipped from my arms and fell to the floor, sobbing hysterically with his face in his hands.  
  
"Matt..." I said softly, the words sticking in my throat. He balled his hands into fists and pounded the floor, his dark blonde hair hiding his face.  
  
"I hate this I hate this I hate this I HATE IT!!"  
  
"Matt!" I cried, falling to my knees and semi-embracing him. "Honey, please stop this...please..."  
  
Honey. I called him "honey"?! Was I insane? I bit my lip as I rubbed his back comfortingly, brushing the hair out of his eyes with my free hand. No...I don't know. I was so confused now. It was breaking my heart watching Matt crumble like this, and I felt desperate to comfort him...but I was at a complete loss as to how.  
  
*Idiot Tai strikes again,* I thought bitterly. What kind of friend was I?  
  
Matt sat up, hiccuping and swiping at his eyes. "I'm sorry, Tai...I shouldn't have...I mean...God, stupid crying...I'm sorry..."  
  
"Shh," I said softly, brushing the hair out of his eyes, making sure he was looking straight at me. "Shhh, Matt, it's okay. It'll just get worse if you keep it all inside. Trust me..."  
  
He looked away, acutely embarassed. "I know..."  
  
Inside, I felt like screaming. When Matt gets like this...sorrowful, apologetic and...for the want of a better word, "I know"-ish, I just want to yell at him, but at the same time, I can't. I don't know why he does it...I mean, God, he could pour out his life story to me and I'd listen!! I'm his *friend*, that's what I'm supposed to do!!  
  
No...I don't do it because I'm supposed to...I do it because I...  
  
"I care, Matt," I blurted out, turning pink as his blue eyes looked up at me, startled.  
  
"Tai..." he said, and I noticed the tears shimmering in those windows to his soul once again. I started babbling insanely.  
  
"Matt, you're my friend. And god, it hurts me so bad when you're hurting like this. I can't stand it. I can't stand it when you get all depressed and start all this "I know" crap. It makes my stomach hurt. Matt...please..."  
  
Two tears spilled down his face. "I'm sorry..."  
  
"Don't say that..." I said, shakily putting my hand up to his cheek, brushing away the moisture with my thumb.  
  
He turned his face towards the palm of my hand and kissed it, reaching up with his own hand and stroking my fingers. An electric shock of uncertainty hit me. I shook it off, swallowing.  
  
"Tai..." he said. His voice was very quiet, almost defeated.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Let's run away," he said, looking straight into my eyes. "Let's run away from this insanity...we'll go somewhere where we can...I dunno. Tokyo or someplace. Let's go there. Just us, for a vac--"  
  
"MASAHARU!! You are PUSHING your LUCK!! YES!! I *KNOW*!" Mrs. Takaishi's voice bordered on a scream. I had no idea what to do or think; my parents fought, but not like this...usually about dumb things, like the TV remote and money and my room being a mess. They'd never yelled at each other the way Mrs. Takaishi and Mr. Ishida did...  
  
Matt closed his eyes, breathing erratically. I almost panicked.  
  
"Matt, look, I th--"  
  
"I have to get out of here," he said, his voice deadly calm "They're killing me, Tai. They've been killing me since the day I was born. Once--just ONCE--I'd like to...I don't know. Fly. Run."  
  
I faltered. "Run away?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Man...that's heavy, you know? That's...permanent?"  
  
His shoulders slumped. "I don't know..."  
  
"I'm not sure. Look, you're my friend, and all I want is for you to be--"  
  
"MASAHARU!!"  
  
Matt clenched his teeth and opened his eyes. He stood up shakily and grabbed his jacket.  
  
"Matt!"  
  
"I just need to get out...please...*please* Tai..."  
  
The pitiful, strained look on his face not only broke my heart, but shattered it into little pieces. My throat tightening, I nodded, slipping into my own jacket.  
  
"C'mon...we'll go antagonize Izzy or something." I said, which made him smile a little. I smiled myself, and we walked out of the Takaishi's apartment, past his mother, who he nodded to as indication that we were leaving.  
  
We took the elevator down, and Matt ran out of the apartment building. He turned his face towards the sun. It looking absolutely amazing playing on his gold hair and attractive features. I smiled, albeit sadly, at this tiny sense of freedom he had.  
  
I noticed something strange...as soon as we stepped out of the apartment, he starting giving off an aura of aloof coolness...sort of an "I'm too cool for you, get away from me, loser" air about him that he used at school. No, it wasn't the aura that surprised me, it was how quickly he slipped into it.  
  
He must have felt my stare, because he turned to me, those baby blues questioning.  
  
"Tai?"  
  
I walked up to him, and put my hand on his shoulder. He looked slightly annoyed at my touch.  
  
"You'll be okay, Matt," I said, not shrinking away from him.  
  
He relaxed, and a momentary flicker of doubt crossed his face. "You reckon?"  
  
"Yeah," I said, and smiled at him. He gave me his classic Ishida half-grin back, and we walked across the street and into the city.


	3. Matt

Tai said.

Tai said...I'd be all right. I bit my lip as we crossed the street, and hoped he was right.

It was hard, seeing as I was in such a wrecked state of mind, but as we walked on, silently, I felt the wall I surround myself with when I'm outside my "natural surroundings", as TK once put it, build itself higher and higher. I guess Tai must have noticed it, too.

"Matt," he said, staring at me.

"What?"

"Relax, man. It's okay now."

"Relax?"

"Yeah. You're walking all funny...like the Mafia's after you."

I released a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, and stopped clenching my muscles. Tai smiled.

"You didn't even know you did it, did you?" Silently I shook my head in agreement, moving slightly closer to him as a particularly thick crowd of people walked past us.

"You're doing it again," Tai murmured, putting his hand on my arm, eyes once again concerned. "Matt--"

I scowled, embarassed at how I was acting and how _he_ was acting towards me. "Shove off, I'm _fine_, okay?"

"Hey!" He cried, frowning. "I'm trying to _help _you, Matt. I'm--"

"I don't _need_ help, I'm fine!"

"Oh, so that's why you were begging me to get out of your apartment, huh?"

"I...no, it's just...jeez, Tai. Shut up and get lost!" I turned on my heel and was about to walk ahead of him, when I felt a jerk as he grabbed my arm. His stormy, dark eyes drilled holes into mine.

"No."

I blinked. "Wha...?"

"No," he repeated, his face flushing in anger. "I'm staying right here with you, Matt."

I blushed slightly, trying not to read those words the way I would've liked to.

"I'm not getting lost and the world will have to end before I leave you alone."

I half-grinned. "Will the world have to end before you shut up?"

Tai looked like he didn't know whether to be insulted or laugh. Eventually the latter won out, and I smiled.

"Er..." I coughed. "Um...let's get something to eat."

"Sure thing. McDonald's sounds...well, cholesterol-level altering, but I don't care. Let's go for it, eh?"

"It's on me."

Tai looked at me, a soft smile hovering around his mouth. My heart gave an uncomfortable thump. I think he knew that that's the closest I would come to an apology.

* * *

"Y'know," Tai said with a giggle, as we sat outside McDonalds, chowing down. "Remember Sora's birthday party?"

I rolled my eyes. "Which one would that be? She's had, what, thirteen now?"

Tai giggled once again and snatched some fries from me. "Her sixth one. We all came here and stuff."

I tried to remember. "You...stuck French fries up your nose..." I broke into a grin.

Tai roared with laughter. "Remember how Mimi shrieked at first, and then she asked me how it was possible that I could get them _that_ far up my nose, Joe looked like he was about to puke, and when your mom and dad came to pick you up with little TK, they thought we'd...oh...oh, Matt, I'm sorry...I did it again..."

I shook my head, ignoring the pain in my heart that Tai's words had brought up. "It's okay."

Tai sighed. "I was trying to cheer you up an' everything."

"It's okay, you tried..." I trailed off.

Tai looked frustrated and sad at the same time. "Look, Matt, I know things are rough, and have been your whole life, but they'll get better--"

"Let's just change the subject," I said abruptly, pushing my fries away from me and staring out the window.

"Uh...okay."

Silence ensued. I felt rather uncomfortable.

"Er...Matt, it's almost six. Don't you think we should be heading home...?"

I groaned, slamming my head down on the table-top. "I don't wanna go back home, dammit," I said to the floor.

"But your mom will worry."

"I don't _care_. I don't want to go back home and put up with her being in a pissy mood 'cause of dad. Or even worse, find out that she's still on the phone and screaming her lungs out."

"Yeah...but..."

I sighed, lifting my head off the table. "I guess I'll just walk around the city for the night or something..."

"Don't be stupid," Tai said. "You can stay the night at my place. I think Kari's staying at Yolei's, and Mom and Dad aren't home, so we can laze around, have the TV to ourselves and stay up all night."

"I outgrew those slumber-type party happenings years ago."

"Fine. We'll stay up all night and watch my dad's porn."

"You dad doesn't seem the type to own porn..."

"He's not," Tai said with a slight scowl. I blinked at him for a few moments and burst out laughing.

He grinned at me like a lunatic. "So whaddya say? It's safer than staying out on the streets, and although it'll probably be as boring as all hell, there'll be no-one yelling."

I nodded. "Yeah...lemme find my phone card and I'll give mom a buzz..."

We stashed our garbage and I went looking for a payphone. I dialled mom's number, tapping my fingers on the side of the glass booth.

Engaged.

"Forget it," I said to Tai as I closed the door to the phone behind me. "She's still on the phone. I'll call her when we get to your place."

"Okay. Let's hit the road."

* * *

I yawned hugely and flopped down on the Kamiya's couch as Tai zipped around the apartment, flicking on the lights and playing back the few messages on their answering machine.

"Yeah, Mom and Dad are staying with our aunt and uncle in Minato-ku tonight and Kari's staying at Yolei's. We has the whole 'partment to ourselves, woohaa!!" He jumped over the back of the sofa and ended up landing on me.

"Ow, watch it, stupid," I laughed, pushing him away.

"What's on TV?" he asked, hanging upside down off the couch and zapping the remote control.

"Seeing as it's a...is it Tuesday?"

"Yup."

"Well, then you've got a choice between _All Saints_--"

"Yuck."

"_Water Rats_,_ Felicity--_"

Tai fell off the couch and made several gagging noises.

"--or _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_."

"Mleh," Tai groaned, falling head over heels, literally, and jumping to his feet. "I hate that crap, but Kari'll kill me if I don't record it for her," he started shuffling through the video cabinet, looking for a blank tape. "By the way, Matt, you'd better call yo ma."

"Oh. Yeah," I said, and walked into the kitchen, dialling mom's number for the second time that evening. The dull beeping told me it was still engaged. I swore under my breath, dropping the receiver back into it's cradle.

"Something wrong?" Tai asked, looking up from programming his VCR.

I sat back down in the sofa with an annoyed sigh. "Still engaged."

"That's regoddamndiculous," Tai stated, punching the current time into the VCR with force. "How long can your mom and dad argue for, anyway?"

I swallowed. "Forever...back when the divorce first happened...me and TK would spend hours on end in my room, holding on to each other as they screamed...usually until one, or both, of us fell asleep...it was a nightmare..." my voice cracked and I took a deep breath, willing the surge of emotion to go away.

Tai leaned back on his heels, regarding me with wide eyes. "Woah, man...you never told me about that..."

"Never saw the need to."

"These things still bug you, after all these years?"

I scowled. "It ruined my life, Tai. And if you're about to open your trap and feed me all that bullshit about letting go and forgetting about it, go to hell."

Tai sighed. "I wasn't about to, Matt," he got up and sat next to me on the sofa. "Who tells you to do that?"

I looked away, miserably. "Mom does. Mom says that, and Dad just ignores things, and I'm usually too busy playing counselor to TK when he feels bad..." I stopped talking. I did _not_ want to talk about this any more. I didn't want to get worked up and I most certainly did not want to cry anymore. And Tai probably did not want to listen.

He reached over and hugged me tightly. "I'm sorry," he said, and my suspicions were confirmed. _I'm sorry_. People are always saying that to me. Aka, "too bad you're feeling miserable, but please don't burden me with your stuff, okay?"

_Not you too, Tai...ask me. Ask me what's wrong...PLEASE!! JUST ASK ME!!_

He didn't do anything but continue to hold me. My eyes swelled with tears and I hugged him back, so that he wouldn't see them slide down my face in fiercely hot trails.

_Please Tai...ask me to tell you what I feel...please don't turn me away...Taichi!!!_

I closed my eyes, held in my sobs, and hoped for a miracle, resting my head on my best friend's shoulder.


	4. Tai

Matt rested his head on my shoulder for a moment,

Matt rested his head on my shoulder for a moment, and then pulled back. His eyes looked a little red, and wet tearstreaks glistened on his cheeks, but I knew better than to hug him again or brush the tears away...he wouldn't like that. He's got this thing about being "vulnerable".

But I so desperately wanted him to talk to me, to tell me what he felt, to confide in me. It hurt when he pushed me away...

_God, Matt, I love you. I'm too afraid to tell you so...I don't want you to turn me away...because only I can give you the love you need..._

"Tai, _what?_" Matt's voice snapped me back to reality. I flushed, realizing I'd been staring at his face.

"Nothing...you just look a little pale."

He sighed. "I _feel_ a little pale."

"You feel sick?"

"Just a little. Probably some cold or something. No big."

I half-yawned, and rolled off the couch, padding into the kitchen. "You want a drink or something?"

He paused. "Coffee, white, two sugars."

"Coffee? At thirteen?"

"It's my dad's fault. He drinks coffee while he watches the late night news and I'm the one who makes it for him."

"So you drink it?"

"Just a little, to piss him off."

I grinned as I flicked the switch on the kettle, looking around for an un-used coffee mug. Kari, being the sweet and considerate little sister she is, had forgotten to wash up before she left for Yolei's house.

"So that's why you're so jumpy."

"I'm not jumpy!"

"Yeah, you are. You're so jumpy we're gonna have to start calling you Koala."

He roared with laughter. "You dumbass, it's _kangaroos_ that jump around."

_Idiot_, I thought to myself, shaking my head. "Yeah, that's what I meant."

He giggled, walking into the kitchen as I poured coffee into the one clean mug I could find. "You're a little dense, Tai."

"Nyah," I said, giving him the answer he deserved. He just giggled harder.

"Mommy, mommy, Tai stuck his rude finger up at me."

"Mommy, mommy, it's 'cause Matt was being rude," I giggled as I spooned sugar into the mug, spilling some of it. "We're both pathetic."

"I know," he said.

I dropped the spoon in shock as Matt hugged me from behind, resting his head against my shoulder.

_Matt!_

"But pathetic people have more fun, ne?"

"Oh, yeah," I said, my mouth growing dry.

_Get the hell away from me, Matt...get away from me, don't make me want you...idiot Tai, idiot!! He's a boy!! You're a boy!! No!! NO!!!_

Matt's arms tightened around me, pulling me closer to him.

"Hey, Tai?"

"Uhh?" I said, trying desperately to ignore the turmoil within my mind. My hands shook as I retrieved the spoon.

"Would you mind if I turned the stereo on while you make that?"

"Go for it!" I blurted out. "Sure thing." _Just get yourself away from me._

"'Kay," he said, with a smile. "Thanks." He padded into my bedroom.

"CD's are somewhere in my closet," I said to his retreating back. "Probably under the clothes."

When he disappeared, I sank to my knees on the floor and squeezed my eyes closed, breathing feverishly. Why did he do that? Damned teasing son of a bitch. Why'd he have to do that? Why did he have to be so gentle? Why did his body have to feel so warm? I bit my quivering lip and shakily climbed to my feet, stirring his coffee slowly, breathing.

_Just think of someone else. Just think..._

Just think who? He was the only one I ever thought of. I wished he would notice...but, c'mon. Reality check. The chance of him loving me back was nil.

_So shut up, Thick One, and bring the boy his coffee!_

Trying to be nonchalant, I walked into my room, and grinned. Matt sat on the edge of my bed, eyes closed, strumming an air guitar, singing in a language I didn't understand. He peered at me through one eye as I set the coffee on the edge of my nightstand.

"Nice," I said, referring to the song. "Is that English?"

He shook his head. "Nope. French. The original song was sung in English, though."

"What's it called?"

"'One Man Army'."

I sat down in the deskchair. "Sing it again. That language sounds weird."

He chuckled, then breathed in, and let the notes tumble out from his lips, forming a melody.

_"Prenez ces gens plastiques, lisez leurs lèvres, maintenant laissez-le tarder, est-ce qu'il y a n'importe quoi qui les fait semblez sincère?"_

"Pretty," I breathed. "You sound good."

Matt didn't answer. He never does when he starts singing something. He nodded in recognition of my compliment and kept singing.

"C'mon, _hermétiquement tenez votre main, prenez un souffle profond, donnez-leur le doigt, est-ce que vous vous êtes inquiétés que vos pensées ne sont pas tout à fait claires?"_

I watched as he closed his eyes, wincing as in pain, and continued. His deep voice was thick with emotion. "_Le tic!  
Eu vue sur, apparence impropre!" _He stopped suddenly. "That note was flat. Did you hear that? Flat as a damned tack."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever you reckon, man." He was such a perfectionist.

"It sounds weird..."

"Keep going already. Belt it out."

_"Je me souviens tomber, je me souviens de marcher, comme une une armée de l'homme, a travers la flamme je sais que je tousser..." _he trailed off, swallowing.

"Matt...?" I asked, starting.

"Ah...sorry," he said, turning away slightly. "My throat's kinda dry."

I stared at him for a few seconds. "Okay..."

I saw his shoulders stiffen with my answer. I wondered if I'd said the wrong thing...?

"I'm tired," he blurted out. "Sorry."

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and counted to ten inside my mind. I loved him to death, but his stupid moodiness was driving me up the wall. Stiffly, I got up and walked out of the room, depositing myself in front of the TV, clicking it on and trying to cool my temper.

I watched Buffy bitch over something or other to her ugly-as-a-brick boyfriend for a few moments, then Matt's voice hit my ears.

"Tai?"

That tiny, hurt voice made the blood rush to my head as I turned and looked at him. He was standing in the doorframe, a hurt expression on his face, his eyes questioning.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked, his voice cracking.

For the second time that evening, I felt my heart break.

"No...oh, Matt..." I murmured, getting up and embracing him when the tears started rolling down his cheeks again, glittering in the light.

"Don't leave me, Tai!" he hiccupped, clutching the front of my shirt in his fists. "Don't leave me alone, don't not care...please..."

I rubbed his back gently and shhhed in his ear. Leave him? Not care? What the hell was he talking about? I'd just spent the majority of my damn evening being the closest thing humanly possible to a babysitter to him!

"Don't leave me, Tai, please don't--"

"Shh, Matt, shh. It's okay. It's okay now."

Maybe, when he had calmed down, I'd be able to get some sense out of him.

And be able to help him.


	5. Matt

Untitled Normal Page

"Shh, Matt, shh. It's okay. It's okay now."

"No...dammit...it's...NOT!!" I screamed, taking a huge gulp of air and shoving Tai away from me. "Nothing is! It never will be!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!"

I had snapped. Somewhere, deep inside my mind, I knew that. Deep inside my mind, a tiny voice was screaming to stop it, to shut up, sit down, drink your coffee and tell Tai everything. But on the outside, all I could feel was anger. Anger at myself for becoming so weak, anger at Tai for embracing that side of me, anger at my parents for making me like this, and worst of all, just pure, insane fury. I clutched at my head, shivering, praying silently that the vice-like grip this emotion had on my mind would just go away.

_Mom, mom, mom I need you Mom, I need you Dad...pleasepleaseplease help me...helpmehelpmehelpme..._

"Matt, what the--"

"Shut up!!" I yelled at him, glaring into his eyes. "Shut up, don't touch me! DON'T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!!"

With that final scream hanging in the air, I bolted for the Yagami's front door and ran out of the apartment. I ran into the elevator and punched the buttons, as if that would make the agonisingly slow descent of the machine go any faster. The doors slid open, and I ran onto the street, pounding my way down it, not stopping when people I ran into shouted out abuse or glared at me.

I ran to the end of the street, out of breath, and collapsed against the wall of another block of apartments, the insane anger slowly leaving my mind as I gasped for oxygen. I exhaled, closed my eyes, and inwardly winced as the consequences of my actions began to dawn on me. 

Tai. 

_Oh man, Tai, I'm sorry. Sorry for being such a headcase. Sorry for this..._

* * *

I stared up at the sky, for a long, long time. I wasn't at all surprised when I heard the scuff of sneakers and the rustle of clothing as someone sat down next to me.

"What do you see up there?" Tai's voice asked softly. He indicated the sky.

"Stars," I said, sighing.

"Mmmm."

"How'd you know I'd be here?"

"I know you, Matt."

"I know."

There was a long silence.

"Trust me, Matt."

"It's hard, Tai."

"I don't see why. Have I ever let you down before?"

"...no."

"Then?"

I sighed. "I don't know, Tai. I just don't know."

"Matt..."

"Look, it's just...I can't."

"Why not?!" Tai yelled, getting to his feet. "Why the hell not? Can't you see it's killing you?! You just lost your mind, Matt!! You've got to talk to me, and trust me! C'mon, Matt, please..."

I bit my lip, staring at the ground.

Tai pulled me to my feet, and put his arm around my shoulders. "Let's go home," he murmured.

_Tai..._

I closed my eyes, leaning my head on his shoulder.

"Okay."

"After all, you didn't finish your coffee."

* * *

Tai sat me down on the sofa, pushed my coffee towards me, and said, "Talk." It wasn't a request, it was an order.

"I don't feel very good."

"Why?"

"I miss Gabumon. I'm sick of my parents fighting."

"Sick of?" Tai said, blinking. "You mean...?"

"They're like this all through the summer. Bitching and ballyhooing about who does what, who goes with who, what TK's doing, what Yamato's doing..." I said, closing my eyes and sinking back into the couch dejectedly.

"And it's all as bad as that last one?"

I shook my head. "That one was just...nasty. I'm sick of it. Sick to death of it. You wanna know something, Tai?"

"Tell me."

"That summer, where we went to the Digital World?"

"Yeah?"

"As much as I couldn't stand a moment of it--" I saw something like hurt flicker over Tai's face, "--it was the greatest summer I'd ever had. Because every other summer..." I trailed off.

"Man...I didn't know it was that bad..."

"Oh, usually the fights don't last as long as this one. Usually it's only fifteen minutes. And me and TK go outside, or turn the speakers up on the TV. Or hide in my room. Just like...just like ages ago. And after it's all over, Mom's hugging us and apologizing...but it doesn't change the fact that TK winces when they scream. That I can't stand it when they yell. It just doesn't..." I trailed off. Tai didn't say a thing, so I kept talking.

"And then TK said he wished he could go back to the Digital World...and that's when I started missing Gabumon so badly..."

Tai just stared at me. "So all this stress comes from your parents."

I nodded miserably. "Sometimes, I just want to end it all. Run away, or jump off the Rainbow Bridge..."

"Matt!" Tai said fiercely. My eyes widened and I blinked.

"Anou...?"

"God...Matt, don't ever think like that...s...suicide?! You've honestly...?"

He looked so terrified. I felt terribly ashamed.

"Yes," I said, looking at the ground.

His fingers were moving lightly across my wrist. I jerked to attention, trying to pull my arm back, but it was too late.

"Matt..." the whisper was toneless, broken, as he ran his tanned fingers gently over the healing cuts on my wrist. "Oh, Matt..."

"Stop it," I said, through clenched teeth. My eyes squeezed shut, and I pulled my wrist away from him. "It's no big deal."

"But, you're _hurting _yourself..."

"Shut up, Tai, you're not a freaking psychologist."

"Matt, it scares me! Can't you talk to someone?!"

"I've got this under control!" I yelled. "What, you think I need to talk to a shrink or something? Screw that!! I...it was a one-off happening, Tai!!" I felt the tears begin to prick at the back of my eyes again. "So, who cares!!"

"I CARE!!" he screamed, standing up.

Hesistantly, I took a step back. He choked on a half-sob and touched his hand to my face.

"I care..." he repeated, and before I could protest, his lips were pressed to mine in a kiss softer than I could ever imagine.

_Impossible..._

I just stood there, frozen, as his lips moved against mine and his hands snaked around my waist, pulling me close to him. He smelled so good, his mouth was so warm, and the caresses he was giving me were so soft.

I melted into his kiss, closing my eyes, resting my hands on his shoulders.

He broke away, gasping for air, eyes wild.

"Oh my god...oh my god, Matt, I am so sorry...I didn't...I mean, I..."

My heart was soaring. An insane rush of complete joy flew through my body and made me break into a huge grin. I felt like the whole world had changed as I stared into his eyes.

"Don't be."

"You mean...you..."

"You didn't notice?" I said, smiling.

He looked puzzled for a moment, then tackled me, pulling me onto the couch.

"You're an annoying jerk, Ishida!!"

I simply wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my head on his shoulder.

"I know."

Tai was still underneath me, his fingers running over my hair.

"So...what now?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"A kiss won't change anything, Matt..."

"I _know_..."

"Look..." he sat me up, looking in my eyes. "I want you to talk to me when you...feel like that. Okay?"

I flushed, embarassed. "I don't want to talk about it, Tai..."

He was quiet for a few moments, then he sighed.

"...all right."


	6. Tai

Tai said.

"...all right." I said quietly, not convinced.

"Look, Tai..." he sat up, pushing his hair back out of his eyes. "I...I did do stupid things. And yeah, I'm a mess...but, really, you don't have to worry about me."

I sighed in frustration. "Matt, you're playing slice and dice with your arm, you're prone to random bouts of tears, you don't want to go home. I'd say that that's fair indication that I have to worry about you."

"Well," he flared. "What do YOU suggest I do?"

I sat back down on the couch, rubbing my face. "I don't know, Matt. I just don't know."

"I'm NOT going to a psy...whatever. I don't need it."

"I never said you should!"

"Just warning you."

I sighed again. "I think you should talk to your mom, though, Matt."

"But..."

I glanced up at his face. He looked worried, and gave me an imploring look. I touched his cheek gently.

"Matt, she'll understand. She'll probably be terrified that she's put you through so much pain. I know your mom."

He nodded, then yawned. "Tomorrow...I'm tired."

"You're avoiding the subject."

He grinned at me lazily through half-lidded eyes. "I know."

I smiled, despite myself.

"Hey, Tai?" he asked, his eyes fluttering closed.

"Yeah?"

"I want another kiss," he murmured, his words slurred.

"Matt, you're half asleep," I said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and hauling him to his feet.

"Aww..."

"Bedtime," I said, guiding him into my room and lying him across my bed, pulling his shoes off for him.

"Tai, you don't have to do that..."

"Hush up and get some rest," I said, brushing his hair out of eyes.

"Tai..." he mumbled, then his eyes fluttered shut.

"'Night," I murmured, kissing his soft lips gently and slipping out of the room.

* * *

I wanted to help Matt. More than anything, I did. But...I just couldn't relate.

I sank down into the sofa, staring into space. I just couldn't grasp what it would be like to fear your own parents. Sure, Dad's like a grizzly bear when something's crawled up his nose, but I'd never felt _helpless_ fear around him. Mom and Dad had their silly little fights over Dad losing the remote and so on, but they never screamed at each other.

More than likely, it'd be Dad doing something stupid to annoy Mom. And Mom would give him the cold shoulder. Oh boy, would she ever! The only person I'd met who can give the cold shoulder anywhere as well as my mother was Matt. Anyway, Mom would give Dad the cold shoulder, and Kari and I would snicker and make "you're in the doghouse now!" type comments.

My dad's a charmer, though. He'd sneak up behind Mom while she was watching TV or something, and kiss her hair. Mom'd grin and swat at him, then he'd growl into her neck and Kari and I would take that as our cue to leave the room. It was all good, though.

So I just couldn't picture what it would be like to fear your parents, to have your family torn in half, to cry over how your family life was. It was impossible.

I groaned and switched on the TV, but seeing as it was close to eleven, nothing was on. So again, I was left with the hollow echoings of my thoughts. I think it's fair to say I've been through a lot in my life. But my poor Matt...he'd been through so much more. I groaned once again and buried my head underneath a pillow lying on the couch, and kicked my heels against the side of the couch. I punctuated each of my kicks with a word.

"Damn it, (kick) I wanna help him (kick), but I don't know how (kick). Maybe I should (kick) take him on vacation--"

With that last kick, I ended up slamming my foot on the coffee table. I yelped and jumped around, hissing things unrepeatable, when the phone rang.

"Eeeyah..." I muttered, hopping over to it. "Hold on, hold on...I'm getting there as fast as I can!"

I picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Hello, Tai? This is Nancy Takaishi, Matt's mom," she sounded choked up and worried. "Is Matt with you? He left this afternoon, I think, and didn't come back home..."

Matt forgot to call his mom! Silently I cursed. He was in deep trouble when he got home...

"It's okay, Mrs. Takaishi. Matt's here, and he's fine...uh...and staying the night."

"Excuse me?" Mrs. Takaishi said, sounding angry. "And he didn't tell me?"

"He tried," I said, lamely, "But your phone was engaged."

"It hasn't been for the last hour."

"He was...he's kinda not well at the moment..."

"And he didn't _call_?"

"Mrs. Takaishi!!" I shouted, and bit my lip. Was I on crack or something?! I began babbling. "Matt's not happy at all right now. In fact, he's really depressed. He left your apartment really upset, and look, I _know_ he won't tell you about it, so I will, he's just--"

I turned around slowly, my eyes flying to the door of my bedroom. Matt was standing there, eyes burning into mine, a lethal scowl stretched across his beautiful face.

I drew in a breath. "Uh...he's here, Mrs. Takaishi...would you like to speak to him?"

"Yes, thankyou Tai."

I swallowed and held the receiver out to the golden-haired pillar of fury before me. "Your mom wants to talk to you."

He took it without a word, but shot me a look that gave me chills. He turned and faced the wall, wrapping his free arm around his midsection.

"Hi...yes...I'm sorry, but the phone was engaged...I fell asleep...yes...no, I'm okay...yes...yes...I will...I know...okay...yes...love you too. Bye."

He placed the phone back in the receiver and shot me another chilling look over his shoulder, then walked off back to my bedroom.

"Matt!" I yelled, starting after him. "Matt, wait--"

He slammed the door to the room in my face.


	7. Matt

Tai said.

I slammed the door in Tai's face and threw myself on the bed, trying to keep my temper from exploding.

_How dare he. How _dare_ he! Doesn't he believe me when I say I'll tell Mom? Doesn't he trust me?!_

"Matt!" Tai's muffled voice came from outside. "Matt, c'mon!! Let me in!!"

"Why should I!" I bawled back.

"Because...because I'm sorry, okay? I made a mistake!"

"Don't you trust me, Tai?"

"Of course I do! But I'm also worried about you!"

"Hmph." Oh, fantastic comeback there. I could have kicked myself.

On the other side of the door, Tai started giggling. I bristled.

"And just what's so funny?"

Tai kept giggling. "I'm talking to a door."

I felt slightly silly.

"Uh..."

"Matt, let me in, you weirdo."

Sheepishly, I opened the door. Tai grinned and pulled me close, whispering in my ear.

"'M sorry," he said. "But...I was worried about you..."

I pushed him away, hiding a smile. "Taichi."

"Eh?"

"Engage brain before putting mouth into gear."

He cracked up. "Point taken. Hey, what'd your mom say?"

I sighed. "She wants to talk to me tomorrow..."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Thanks to the Yagami Motor Mouth, she knows something's up."

"That could be for the better, though."

I sank down onto the bed. "Yeah...she knows I've been depressed..."

Tai sat next to me. "Mhhmmm."

"Oh, and I'm grounded for not calling her," I said with a weak smile. My joke fell flat.

"Matt, you've gotta tell her what you feel when she and your dad fight."

I closed my eyes miserably. "I can't. I can't, Tai, she's my mom. I don't wanna hurt her."

"But she's hurting you," he said gently.

I opened my eyes and sighed. "I know, I know."

There was a moment of silence, then Tai edged, "Uhm...you gonna tell her about...us?"

I froze. "I don't know..."

Tai laughed without humor. "You know, you don't know," he leaned over and kissed my cheek softly. "Matt, look, just tell her what you feel."

"I will," I said, not looking at him.

_Easy for you to say, wonder boy. Have you ever frozen when you tried to speak your heart? Ever felt the tears and feelings just disappear the moment before you need to cry? No, you haven't. You've got such an open, warm heart, Tai. Telling people how you feel is second nature to you...you never fear a thing..._

"Matt?" he asked, his voice concerned once again. He touched his hand to my face and made me look at him.

"I'm so tired, Tai," I said pathetically. "I'm so tired of everything. I want to just end it all. I don't think I can fight anymore--mmff!!"

My complaint was muffled by a deep kiss from him. His mouth covered mine and he hungrily plunged his tongue between my lips. The kiss was electrifying, but altogether too rough. I pulled away from him, leaving saliva trickling down my chin.

"Tai?" I asked, wide eyed, wiping my chin.

"Don't _ever_ talk like that again, Matt!" Tai said, taking me by the shoulders and shaking me. "Not ever! Understand me?! Don't you ever talk like that again!!" He let go of me and turned away, shoulders heaving.

"Tai..." I said, numb with horror. "Tai...?"

He turned around to face me again, and his eyes were sparkling with tears in the dim light that his lamp was giving off. I started. He reached out to touch take my hand.

"Matt...it scares me when you talk like that...please...stop being..." he clenched his teeth, squeezing his eyes shut.

_I scare you?_

_I'm the one who makes you fear._

The thought hit me like a tonne of bricks. Me...being suicidal and threatening to run away, shook Tai to the very core. This boy, who lead us through the Digital World and got us through the battles time and time again, was brought to his knees by the thought of losing me?

"I'm...not worth it..." I whispered.

"You _are_ worth it!" Tai said, hugging me fiercely. "You know me, Matt! I don't waste my time with things that aren't worth it, and you _are!"_

I smiled sadly, melting into his arms. "Tai..."

"What?" he asked, still cradling me close to him.

"Nothing," I said, tilting my head towards his as he reached down and locked me into a beautiful kiss, his arms sliding around my hips and pulling them closer to his. I blushed a terrible shade of red, feeling my ears burn and my heart leap into my mouth. Tai pressed closer to me, the kiss becoming deeper. One of his hands left my hip and travelled up behind my head, and he lowered me backwards onto the bed, lying on top of me. 

_I can't believe this..._I thought, my heart pounding. I could feel Tai's heart beating just as hard as mine was.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and slowly relaxed beneath his warm body. Almost unconciously, I ran my tongue over his lips and slipped it into his mouth. He moaned almost imperceptively and pressed his mouth to mine hungrily, his tongue exploring every inch of my mouth.

He gave me absolutely no clue that the kiss would end anytime soon...and strangely...I didn't care.

[author's notes]  
Okay, okay! ::giggles:: Thankyou, everyone...I promise I'll continue this story! ^_~ _Thankyou_, so much!


	8. Tai

Tai said.

I continued to kiss Matt with all the love I felt inside, until I noticed his eyes fluttering shut. I pulled back, smiling.

"Nnn, Tai..." he mumbled, reaching up for me again.

"No, Matt," I said, kissing his cheek gently and laying him down onto the bed, wrapping the coverlet around him. "You're falling asleep underneath my lips."

"Sounds good to me..." he said, with a yawn and a grin.

I blushed slightly, but I kept smiling. "Maybe one of these days," I promised, brushing the hair out of his face. "Night, Matt."

"Tai, wait," Matt said, grabbing my hand as I turned to walk out. "Stay with me, okay? Just...just for tonight, okay?"

I paused for a moment, considering.

"Okay," I said, and slipped between the sheets next to him. He snuggled in close, resting his head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of his head and stroked his hair.

"Goodnight," I whispered, but as I looked down at him, his breathing was regular and he was fast asleep, the moonlight playing over his features.

It wasn't long after that I fell asleep, too.

* * *

I was jolted out of sleep by the crashing of thunder, and Matt jumping in surprise.

"Storm," I said groggily, blinking in the dim light.

"'s not good," Matt murmured, his voice also thick with sleep, yet slightly freaked.

"Go back to sleep."

"Can't..."

"Since when have you been scared of storms?" I questioned. 

"I'm not!!" Matt protested, then another crack of thunder split the sky in half, and he yelped and winced against me.

"Oh, really?" I said, rubbing my eyes. I tried to sit up, but then flopped back downwards, rubbing Matt's back. He was going to be like a bear with a sore head in the morning if he didn't get _some_ sleep. Not to mention his mother would probably have me drawn and quartered.

"Turn th' light on," Matt said, and I fumbled around on my bedside table, looking for the switch to my lamp. I flicked it, but nothing happened.

"Blackout Odaiba," I muttered, snuggling back underneath the covers. The damned air-conditioner wasn't working, either, so I was cold.

Matt whimpered and pressed close to me again.

"I didn't know that you were scared of the dark," I said, playing my fingers over his silky hair once again. I liked that.

"I'm _not_," he said, with as much force as he could muster. "I just...don't like uncontrollable dark."

I smiled in the darkness and kissed his forehead. "Okay."

"Don't you dare patronize me!"

I couldn't keep my chuckle in. "I'm not, Matt, I'm not."

"Hmph."

I giggled. "Well, thankyou very much."

"Eh?" he said.

"I can't get back to sleep now."

Another shock of lightning illuminated the room, followed closely by the rolling thunder, which made Matt tighten his grip on me again.

"And neither will you, by the looks of things," I muttered under my breath, sitting up and rubbing my eyes. "I'd better get up and make sure the TV's turned off at the wall and the bathroom window's shut, or Mom will kill me."

"Don't leave me here!!" Matt yelped. He coughed slightly. "I mean, I want to help and stuff."

I was glad the darkness hid my smile. "Okay then. Go around and check the windows."

"Uhh...okay."

I zapped around the apartment quickly, making sure everything was closed and switched off. Matt trailed behind me, jumping when the thunder crashed. We made our way back to the kitchen and I spent a few moments fumbling around and cursing in the dark.

"Where does Mom keep the--OW, DAMMIT--flashlight?" I hissed.

"Try underneath the sink," Matt said.

"Where _is_ the sink?"

"Over here," he said, giggling, and took my hands, pulling me towards him.

I grinned, even though he couldn't see me. "I could get used to this."

"Tai, just shut up and get the flashlight," I could practically see him roll his eyes.

"Ha, gotcha, ya bastard," I drawled as my fingers closed around the flashlight's cylindrical form. I switched it on and held it underneath my face. "I'm a lep-re-chuan, I'm a leprechuan."

Matt cracked up. "You're a moron, Yagami."

"I know," I said, grinning, then jumping in surprise as the thunder crashed again. "You okay?" I asked Matt.

He shook his head. I noticed he was trembling.

"C'mon," I said, pulling him close and actually walking like a human into the living room and flipping down on the couch. Matt curled up close, twining his fingers into mine.

"Sleepy?" I asked, trying to stifle a yawn.

"A little bit," he said. "What about you?" The yawn escaped my lips, and he giggled. "You're just as bad as TK."

"Wha?" I asked, yawning again.

"It was ages ago, when there was a thunderstorm..." he broke off, giggling again. I closed my eyes, relaxing. Such a pretty sound...

"I was, naturally, looking after TK, who was pretty scared, him being just little. I sat up for a long, long time, telling him stories and rushing back and forth to the kitchen getting him cocoa and stuff..."

Matt's gentle voice was lulling me into a sleepier and sleepier state. Just before I drifted off to sleep, I wrapped my arms around his thin frame, and thought, _it'll all be okay now..._

[author's notes]  
I would like to apologise for the general suckiness of this chapter x_X;; Be gentle with me, people, it has not been a good day.  
Ha!! **dances around obscurely** You thought this chapter was gonna be yaoi, didn't you!! Admit it, na na na-na na!! **sits down and shuts up** I apologise...I had to do that ^_~;;;; Anyways, no, this is not the end. Pity, eh? :P


	9. Matt

Tai said.

"It was ages ago, when there was a thunderstorm..." I broke off, giggling. "I was, naturally, looking after TK, who was pretty scared, him being just little. I sat up for a long, long time, telling him stories and rushing back and forth to the kitchen getting him cocoa and stuff, every time there was a peal of thunder. 'Cept it was...Tai...?"

I leaned up on my elbows and peered at his face, just as an unearthly crash of thunder made the walls shake and I yelped, moving close to Tai, wincing, trembling. Tai didn't move.

"Taichi?" I asked, feeling somewhat hurt.

"Mffmm, go 'way," was his response, and he yawned in his sleep.

Trembling still, I sat up, staring down at his peaceful face. The stupid jerk had gone to sleep on me. Obviously had gotten sick of me.

I stared at his still form for a moment, a slight pain in my throat. Then, with a disgusted snarl that would have become a sob if I wasn't careful, I stalked out of the living room and went back into Tai's bedroom, flopping down on his bed miserably.

"I hate you," I mumbled into his pillow, even though that was a complete and utter lie. I felt the tears starting to prick at my eyelids again and yelled angrily, slamming my hand into the pillow. No more crying. No more talking to Tai about how I felt. No more vulnerable little Matt. I could look after myself.

The lightening illuminated the room once more, followed by a deafening crash of thunder. I winced, miserably wishing the storm would go away...and take the storm inside my heart with it.

I rolled onto my back, and stared up at the underside of the top bunk. Unbidden, memories began flowing back to me...

_"Matt..."_

_I turned and looked into the wide, frightened eyes of my little brother. Takeru, who we'd called TK for the entire three years of his life._

_"Matt, I'm scared. Mommy and Daddy are fighting again, and Mommy's yelling so loud..." he ran to me, wrapping his tiny arms around my waist, pressing his face into my shirt. "I want them to stop...makes my head hurt..."_

_My trembling hands wrapped around my little brother's shoulders as I tried to keep in my tears._

_"It'll be okay, TK. Mom and Dad do that sometimes..." _All the time_, I thought to myself bitterly._

_"I wan' 'em to shtop," he lisped, looking up at me with a tear-stained face. "Matt. Kari's mommy doesn' yell at Kari's daddy at all. Ish there something wrong wif us?"_

_"No!" I cried out, louder than I'd intended. I felt horrified as my throat tightened and the tears filled my eyes. "Stupid! Our Mom and Dad are just..."_

_A tear rolled down my cheek._

_"Dun cry, Matt, dun cry!!" TK cried, alarmed, wrapping his tiny arms around me. "It's okays. Mommy and Daddy will stop soon..."_

_I wiped it away, terribly ashamed and angry with myself that I hadn't been stronger for my little brother._

_"I'm not crying, TK. I've just got something in my eye."_

_"We'll go tell Mommy. She'll fix it," he tugged on my hand. I shook my head, but then an enormous crash from outside shook the walls of our apartment and caused TK to loose his footing._

_"Matt!"_

_A seasoned Tokyoan, I grabbed TK and ran for the doorframe, waiting for the earthquake to hopefully pass. But it didn't, and it didn't get any more violent than it already was._

_"Matt, look!" TK cried out, pointing to my window. My eyes widened as I saw the flashes of light exploding out on the street._

_"What the...?"_

_My brother and I scrambled to the window, heaving it open and peering out. What I saw shocked me to the very core._

_Standing there, in the middle of Highton View Terrace, was two enormous beasts...one parrot-like in appearance, and the other looked like a huge dinosaur._

_"KARI!!" TK screamed. "Kari's down there!!"_

_"What?!" I hissed, grabbing my camp binoculars from my desk and holding them up to my eyes. It _was_ Kari...and my friend Tai, too!_

_"They're gonna get fried!" I hissed, leaning out the window. "We need to help them!"_

_"Hold on, Kari!" TK called out._

_And then, the explosion...with it, a scream from my mother..._

_"I've had enough of this bullshit, Masaharu! I want a divorce!!"_

_My hold on the windowframe slipped, and I fell, down, down, down..._

...hitting the floor of Taichi's room and sitting up, trembling and teary.

"Just...a dream..." I said, my voice cracking. "Just a replay..." I closed my eyes, and flashes of events bombarded my mind.

Tai, yelling, scared.

_"Don't _ever_ talk like that again, Matt!" _

TK, walking away, his hand in my mother's...

_"Matt...I can see you again, right?"_

My father, slamming down the phone in disgust.

_"Never get married, Matt. Don't be an idiot like me."_

My mother, sitting on the edge of her bed and crying.

_"Matt...everything was such a waste."_

Gabumon, turning away with tears in his eyes.

_"That's such a soothing song, Matt..."_

It was me! I cause all this suffering for people! I hurt them and make them cry! I drive them away!

I knew what I had to do.

I climbed to my feet, sweating and shaking. I walked across the room, my bare feet making an almost unheard noise. My sweaty palm grasped the door handle and turned it slowly, trying not to make the slightest noise.

I glanced at the clock on the coffee table in the Yagami's living room, momentarily illuminated by a flash of lightening. One o'clock in the morning.

Tai was stretched out across the sofa still, sleeping soundly. Biting back tears, I knelt down beside the sofa, leaning over to kiss him passionately. He stirred, murmuring, but didn't wake up.

Tears slid down my cheeks and onto his serene, sleeping face. I ran my hand down his cheek, thinking of how wonderfully beautiful he looked. How he was so perfect...an angel, a heavenly being....no, something beyond that. He was so much higher above an angel...so perfect.

"Goodbye," I whispered voicelessly, letting the tears flow. I ran my hand through his silky hair, then moved away, my shoulders heaving as I gasped for air, trying desperatly to stop the sobs wracking my body.

I let myself out of the Yagami's apartment, and slipped into the elevator, pressing the button for the very top floor. I leaned against the wall of it, shaking.

_So that's my life. Nothing...thought it was painful for me...never thought about how the other people might feel. Mom, hurt, Dad, angry, TK, confused, Tai, scared, Gabumon, lonely. All my fault. Yamato Ishida, congratulations! You've managed to screw up the lives of everyone around you! Selfish jerk, come on down!!_

I flew out of control, pounding on the doors of the elevator.

"Hurry up!! Hurry up, I want this over, HURRY UP!!!"

The doors slid open and I tumbled out into the top floor. I saw a set of steps leading to the door to the roof top, and flew up them, tearing the door open.

The rain tore at me, soaking me and stinging my skin. The thunder rolled, and the wind threatened to blow me back into the building. I burst into hysterical tears, screaming as I sobbed, pushing forward as best I could towards the edge of the rooftop...


	10. Tai

Tai said.

I was dreaming that I was that Matt was kissing me. His touch was so soft, so gentle...and then it began to rain on us...water on my face.

"It's raining," my dream self said to Matt.

"Goodbye," Matt said in return. For some reason, my dream self thought this was perfectly normal, and leaned in for another kiss.

I was woken up by a clicking sound. Yawning, sat up, rubbing my eyes and looking around the still-dark apartment. I glanced into the kitchen, looking for the tell-tale flashing of the digital clock on the top of the oven that would indicate that the power was back on. Nothing.

"Mfffmgrr," I mumbled while yawning, standing up. I shook my head in an attempt to clear the groggy feeling out of my brain. It took my mind a minute to register that I had fallen asleep with Matt on my chest; where was he now?

"Matt?" I called, yawning. All I heard in response was the howling of the window and the slow whirr of the elevator as it went up past our apartment. What idiot would leave the building at this time of night?

I looked in my room...nothing. The covers of the bed were disturbed, but I shrugged that off. Yawning hugely again, I padded outside into the hall and poked my head into the bathroom. 

"Matt?"

Again, nothing but the howling of the wind.

A sinking feeling crept into the pit of my stomach and I felt my mind jerk and my palms dampen. I ran around the apartment, throwing open doors and stumbling in the darkness.

"Matt?! Matt, this isn't funny...Matt? _Matt?! YAMATO!?!"_

It hit me again. Fear. Fear, racing through my blood, from so long ago...

As I watched Kari taken away in the ambulance...

_"I'm sorry I can't kick the ball good..."_

As I watched Agumon transform into SkullGreymon...

_"I'm sorry, Tai, I don't know what happened..."_

As Matt made the threats against his life...

_"...sorry..."_

_No...stop it, every time you apologise I get scared...stop it, please!!_

I raised my hand to my cheek, and was shocked to find water running down my face. This was...this was...this was a tear, and yet it wasn't. As I stared at the liquid on the tips of my fingers, it began to sparkle, providing me with light. I gasped, trying to shake the glowing tears off my fingers.

The wetness combined into one drop, spherical and still glowing. Then, suddenly, it seemed to...explode. A great flash of silvery light, tinted with reds, blues, greens...every colour of the rainbow.

"Wha...?" I whispered, and moved to touch it. It sparkled brightly, then moved just out of my reach. I moved forward, it moved further away.

_I...have to follow it! It can show me where Matt is!_

I followed the sphere of light as it lead me to the door of the apartment, which was ajar...

"Oh, shit," I whispered, clenching a fist. "Please don't tell me he's run away again...how the hell will I be able to find him..."

The glowing orb of light passed straight through the door. I snarled, throwing the door open and running out after it.

"Hey!" I screamed at it, and added a few adjectives after that. "Stop it! Show me where he is!!"

It flew down the hallway and into the elevator. I ran after it, feeling the sweat trail down my face. I looked around the darkened box for the light, but it was gone.

"Shit," I repeated, feeling the angry tears return to my eyes. "Now what?!"

The button for the rooftop lit up, and the elevator jerked into motion. I was thrown slightly and fell backwards, off balance.

The ascent was agonisingly slow, but it gave me a few moments to think.

"What the hell would Matt be doing on the rooftop?" I muttered to myself. "It's bucketing down out there and he was never too fond of heights...heights..."

The colour drained from my face. My stomach turned to a block of ice, and I began shaking hysterically.

"No..."

The world swirled before my eyes.

_"...jump off the Rainbow Bridge or something..."_

And the adrenaline hit my veins, I leapt to my feet, and pounded at the elevator door.

"LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT!! HURRY UP, HURRY UP, MAAAAAAAAATT!! MATT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!"

I was screaming and hysterically and the sobs were tearing out of my body. The words tumbled over each other in an attempt to escape my lips, and they mingled with the tears streaming down my face in fiercely hot trails. And somewhere, beneath all this madness, I finally, truly knew how Matt felt. Not understood -- I probably never would -- but I finally felt what he felt.

The doors opened slowly, and I threw myself through them, jarring my shoulder. I bolted up the stair that lead to the rooftop and was immeadiately hit in the face with wind and rain -- and it stung.

"MATT!!"

I saw my beloved, saturated and crying, walking towards the edge of the rooftop.

"MATT, NO!!"

He turned, and painfully slowly, I thrust my hand out. The world seemed to go into slow-motion. The lightning seared the sky, the thunder rolled, and I felt a surge of energy fly through my arm. The winds blew harder, and Matt fell backwards, away from that ledge, towards me. The world was released from it's thick liquid motion, and I shot towards him, cradling him close to me, feeling him melt into my arms.

"Matt...why?" The whisper was hoarse, toneless...yet desperate and broken.

"Everything in the world is my fault," he whispered, cringing against me.

The wind howled, the thunder crashed. Even in this storm, the cars sped along the streets of Odaiba, late night traffic. The rain continued. And yet everything changed.

What little comfort I held in our relationship dissipated, melted like salt in the wind. As he trembled, lying in my arms, I felt everything within me...my soul...slip away from me, like sands through my fingers.

I began to cry.


	11. Matt

Tai said.

Warmth...

Someone's arms around me...tears dripping onto my face...I coughed miserably.

"Matt?" The word was a sob.

Taichi...my Tai. I tried to look up, squinting through the endless raindrops, but all I could see was light...a sparkling, spherical light, flashing all the colours of the rainbow. And in the centre of it, something I thought I recognised...but I wasn't sure.

"Tai..." I murmured, and then let myself slip from conciousness, where the bright light enveloped me.

*

The first thing I saw when I woke up was Tai's big, dark eyes, tear-filled, staring into mine.

"Tai..." I whispered, blinking.

He threw his arms around me, hugging me tightly, his body shaking with held-back tears. I looked at my surroundings over his shoulder. I was in his bed, blankets piled on top of me. The power was back on now...

"Matt, oh god," Tai cried, hugging me tighter. "You should have...oh god oh god..." he pulled back, brushing the hair out of my face.

I closed my eyes, trying to remember what happened. The dreams...the thoughts, the realisation. The ascent to the rooftop...the madness inside my head. The shining light...

I felt my heart sink as I looked into his tearful eyes, feeling ashamed and dirty and just downright _pathetic_ for doing what I did to him. I swallowed the lump in my throat and choked out, "I'm sorry..."

"Shhh," he said, brushing his fingers against my lips. His eyes were closed and he was swallowing too much. "Shhh...I know, honey, I know how you felt...it's...it takes you over completely, doesn't it?"

I started. "But how did you...?"

"I felt...a shred of that hopelessness while I was trying to reach you," he said. He grinned wryly at my expression. "Yeah, I knew you'd gone up there."

"How did you know?" I asked plaintively.

Tai took a deep breath. "You know, I'm going to sound nuts...but it was a light...a light that came from my tears. It lead me to where you were...it was so bright, Matt, and sparkling..."

"A light?" I asked, startled. "When I...when I slipped out of conciousness, I saw a light, Tai..."

He stared at me. "Sparkling? With something in the center?"

"Yes! It was rainbow-coloured almost...and this sounds weird, but it seemed to guide me."

"No...no, it doesn't sound weird. It's the same light, Matt."

I snorted. "C'mon, Tai, magical floating lights? Be real. It's gotta be an illusion of some sort, brought on by an adrenaline rush. And me...well, I was a step and a half away from death, _anything _could have--oh Tai, I'm sorry..."

The tears were gathering in his eyes again. "It's okay," he whispered, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. He laughed bitterly, rolling his eyes skyward. "Oh please. Who am I kidding? I almost lost you, Matt! It's not okay! It's just...just..." he trailed off, squeezing his eyes shut as the tears rolled down his cheeks. He brushed them away fiercely.

I swallowed, my lip trembling. "I know...sorry isn't enough, Tai. But--"

My words were cut off as he embraced me suddenly, holding me tightly and rocking back and forth, kissing the side of my head.

"You don't have to apologise."

"...you're not mad?"

"No, baby," he murmured, sighing into my neck. "No, I'm not. Not anymore. I'm just incredibly...sad. Sad 'cause I can't help you. Sad because maybe next time, you will step off that ledge."

I looked at him mournfully. "I'm sorry...I dragged you into this..."

His fingers played over my hair gently. "I don't care, Matt. I'd do that a thousand times over for you. I love you."

I reached out to touch his face...his beautiful, beautiful face. "I love you too," I whispered, leaning towards him.

"ACK!!!"

I pulled back and gave Tai a look. Okay, things were getting awfully sappy, but I was kind of enjoying it. I frowned.

"What?"

"Thliblbl!!!"

"Tai, put spaces between your words!"

He pointed to something behind me, and I whirled around.

"The light!" I gasped out."That's the same one, isn't it?"

"Look...in the center of it..." Tai whispered, grabbing my hand.

Rotating around each other in the center of the light were two faint shapes. My eyes grew huge.

"Friendship--"

"...and Courage," Tai finished, his eyes also wide. "Our crests, Friendship and Courage..."

The light grew brighter as the crests grew closer and closer. Finally, there was a flash, and instead of there being _two_ crests, there was now one -- our crests had joined.

"Linked..." I murmured, squeezing Tai's hand.

"Incredible..." he whispered.

The light faded, shimmering for a moment, and shrinking down to a tiny point. It sparkled, then disappeared, leaving us in the semi-darkness once again. I turned to face him, looking deeply into those dark eyes.

_"A kiss doesn't change anything, Matt..."_

_No_, I thought, a real, pure smile spreading across my face. _But it sure can help things._

I leaned forwards, and wrapping my arms around his shoulders, kissed him gently. Once at first. Then again, and again. One kiss became another, and then I couldn't tell where one kiss began and another ended. All I could feel was him, and that's all I wanted to feel.

"Matt..." he whispered, pulling back. "Matt, are you--"

"Shhh," I said, touching his lips. "Just kiss me."

He smiled and did just that. Fingers twined into hair, bodies pressed together, and I lost myself...

*

I was woken up the next morning by the sun shining on my face, and by Tai pressed warm kisses onto my bare shoulder. I rolled over and he caught my lips in a kiss.

"My lips are gonna swell from all this kissing," I joked, running my hand down his face. 

He just grinned. "I could make a really bad joke right about now."

"I'd rather you didn't!"

"Looks like the storm's passed," he said, pulling me into his arms.

I smiled too. "Which is good. I didn't like that storm."

"It had it's moments."

"It brought out freaky lights."

"Freaky lights brought us closer."

I giggled. "You know, I could make a really tasteless joke now."

He shoved me playfully. "I'd like it if you didn't!"

"I won't," I said, giving him my best smile. He smiled back, and pulled me close again. I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. I closed my eyes, the smile still on my face.

Hard times are going to come and go. And there's gonna be a hell of a lot more of them, and I'm going to feel like jumping off that ledge. But...I've got Tai. Why jump away into nothingness when I can run to his arms and feel love...and let him feel my love?

It's gonna be a rocky road...and I don't know if it'll get any smoother from here on. I've got a tonne of stuff to deal with--first of all, explaining to my mom why the hell I didn't call her last night! But seriously. Things will be...not _easier_ from here on in, but bearable. Because I've got Tai. And not just Tai...lots of people care about me. Mom, Dad, TK, everyone. Gabumon, wherever he is now, I know he cares about me too. I have hope. There's gonna be an end, and no matter how much I trip and fall down, I'm gonna be all right.

I felt a lone tear slide down my cheek. A tear of happiness. I sat still, feeling it's warmth trail down my face. It didn't burn like the other tears...it felt soft, almost comforting.

The moment was sort of lost when Tai smushed it across my cheek.

"What'd you do that for, weirdo?" I asked, somewhat miffed.

"Just making sure that we don't end up with anymore freaky lights," he said, with a crazy grin. I laughed.

He pulled me close to him again, and whispered in my ear. "Besides, I don't like seeing you cry."

"It's okay, Tai," I wrapped my arms around his warm body, smiling.

"I don't need to cry anymore."

**~ THE END ~**

[a.n.]  
"Cry" began on April 9, 2001 and was completed June 15, 2001.   
Song inspirations -- "On The Hill", AiM; "Eien", Zard.  
Thanks...yes, you all who've read this from start to finish. You're the only ones who ever have, and you're the ones who encouraged me to turn a tiny 300-word vent of angst into a full-blown story. _Thank you._  
~ [Mimi][1]

   [1]: mailto:Mimi_Elaene@hotmail.com



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